i feel..........

i feel like expressing myself... yet i can't
i feel like stepping away... yet i can't
i feel like calling... yet i can't
i feel like forgetting... yet i can't
i feel like admitting... yet i can't
i feel like holding you... yet i can't
i feel like letting go... yet i can't
i feel like knowing... yet i can't
i feel sad... yet i'm not
i feel carefree... yet i'm not

i need to believe... Cheers.

i did it again...

YAY got to shout commands again at this morning's assembly!!! sounds rather childish yeah? some might call it a cheap trill, but no one does it better than me!! hahahaha, even mr. ho said it was a good shout. i don't think it was as loud as my first one, but i guess it was clearer, because people told me that it was damn clear. not bad even in an enclosed area still can be clear with echos bouncing back off the walls.

looks like CJ national day "parade" will be led by J2s, so guess one less opportunity for me to shout even though i might be better than them hahaha!!! if i could i wouldn't mind shouting everyday loh... a great excuse to shout and release my stress :p looks like AP trials last year for parade commander and NPDP training this year has helped my voice projection aye?

oh yah at the end of the day wee koon asked me to shout in class... so i just shouted baris sedia. first when i was leaning on the table... quite loud already, then later i stood up straight and shouted again, and it was louder lah i could tell. according to derek there was an echo... but i dunno, too busy shouting :p then later vignesh said he could hear me from the 3rd floor (my class is on the 5th floor) from the opposite block. claimed it was as if i was next to him shouting into his ear :p and apparently his whole class burst out laughing, including the teacher, while he and ganesh knew it was me hahaha...

never knew shouting commands was so much fun hahahaha. Cheers.

NAPFA pre-test...

completed my 5 stations today... overall i'm quite satisfied lah.

2.4: improved by 2 minutes :)
pullups: improved from 2 to 5 :)
sit and reach: improved 4cm from 33 to 37 :p
sit ups: 39 (improvement from always cheating in SJI :p)
broad jump: DEPROVE!!! by about 8 cm (WTF?!!?!?!)
shuttle run: DEPROVE!!! BY .3 SECONDS!!!! ARGGGHHHHH!!!!!

so overall i improved in 4 and deproved in 2. and overall i still got my bronze. bugger it all!!! shall keep working on every aspect, concentrating on running and arms as usual. going to join bang for morning runs on tuesday and thursday now every week since volleyball is so freaking slack!!! hardly sweat during training even though it's outdoors and under the blazing sun. badminton can actually squeeze sweat out of my shirt loh... now my sweat doesn't cover my whole shirt. physical fitness sure deprove like that loh. and no amount of CJ mass PE and can save me, so i'm just set on doing some self-training :) must catch up with ian and his pullups... running would take a while longer lah, have never been too good with running, but at least everything there can be trained... except for those damn sit and reach. but since i improved i ain't complaining :) Cheers.

crystal heart... that's kinda cool!!!

Echo outing...

oh well at least part of echo. only 7 people (cindy, wendy, wiwiek, raudah, kim hock, rizal and ME) turned up. at first we wanted to go to watch "dawn of the dead", but found out that only the front few rows were available, and since we didn't want stiff necks, we decided to go to marina south to play pool. but of course not before we stopped at BK to eat! so eat eat eat, and cindy had to leave for home as she's got OBS tomorrow! quite funny ah during school week go for 5 day mobile OBS.

so off to play pool. raudah and wendy had never played before. gave them some very slipshot lessons on how to position the cue stick. not bad lah can still pocket balls. raudah actually managed to catch up with me quite a bit in the first game!!! good beginner... wendy ended up on the floor several times though, mainly because she couldn't stop laughing :p rizal took plenty of photos of people doing funny poses with the cue stick while trying to hit the ball. and me being bai kah couldn't exactly reach very far today because i couldn't lift up my leg :( and raudah and wiwiek were going a bit crazy lah... kept trying to touch my stomach... reason is "he's got pegs!!!". dotz!!! hahaha oh well it was fun to catch up with them again!!! back to doing GP homework on the pros and cons of the integrated programme. Cheers.

WARNING: slippery when wet...

today was the highly anticipated sec 1 swearing-in ceremony (or sec 1 affirmation ceremony as they call it now). did 7 drafts of game plans for this... hahaha that was interesting :p anywayz arrived there early... and found myself kind of lost as i entered the school as i forgot where the canteen was, so i just walked, then i arrived at the statue of Mrs Ong Teng Cheong, then i suddenly remembered how to get there :p anyway... nothing much happened lah... until the game started. after mr chan's little welcome speech, while the cadets were moving to the canteen, amanda asked me to go to the canteen to see that they settle down quickly. so off i ran, and seeing that the passage way was clogged with cadets, i ran on the quadrangle. so of course the quadrangle was wet, and i made a rather gradual turn to the right... but of course when i wanna turn fast my body is at an angle. so when i turned... the ingenius marcus tai slipped and started sliding on the ground!!! slid for about a metre, then stood up and continued walking/jogging to the canteen. after settling the stuff in the canteen, it suddenly struck me what i had landed on... and that was my handphone. my handphone was in my right pocket, so when i landed my whole body weight was on my phone and that part of my thigh!!!! WAHHHH!!!! now my phone has a very nice design at the back...scratches! quite even too. anyway now my thigh hurts like hell... after that still had to go CIP

left NYGH at about 11.30, and went to clementi to eat macs. then took train to little india. could hardly sit down comfortably on the mrt station floor while waiting for tze wei, germaine and clarrisa. couldn't cross my legs, i guess thigh muscles were cramping up from the little "slip". then slowly found our way to Kampong Kabor Methodist Church, got our little bags and set off. time was about 2.30. then we went to PS LJS until like 4.45, and started walking back and collecting money :p not bad lah managed to collect quite a bit from that short time. met all kinds of people... people who completely dao you, people who take out their phones to talk once they see you, people who give excuses, people who give after some thought, people who give generously, people who come up to you and give money!!! then tze wei, clarrisa and germaine went into the temple to pray, and i was outside collecting money. quite weird aye? collecting money for a methodist association outside a buddhist temple hahaha!

after that went to my grandma's birthday dinner. at that time i couldn't climb up the stairs! so had to hop on left leg and use right arm on stair rail :p so i was hopping up and down the stairs :p now at home... pain like hell. rub lots of cream, and hopefully i get better by tomorrow so that can go D'03 echo gathering! somemore monday got volleyball trials... if i can't move i'm dead!!!! will be CCA-less again!!! or rather... will be school-based CCA-less again!!!! bad timing, bad location, life sucks.

oh yes and happy birthday to BANG... one more year of banging!! *ahem ahem* hahaha Cheers!!!

it's all good, or at least better than it was...

if you say that we're alright, then so be it. can't really be bothered to keep asking you what's wrong already... just a waste of time and breath if i keep asking you. as long as you're happy it's fine... do what you wish, just don't drag me in suddenly and confuse me all over again. just don't make me wish that i had never known you again...

today after school was quite interesting... supposed to come home for tuition, then because it was raining cats and dogs finally... i decided to just go up to class and slack around. sat down and did a bit of my physics practical, crushed a few pieces of paper which was met with rather violent objection from chipmunk... must be because we're destroying her home :p and i couldn't find an extreme line on my graph loh!!! crosses just to nice already hahahaha :) after a while me and joshua just got damn sian, and started doing drills with broomsticks :p not bad lah marist and sji npcc drill timing quite the same. our best was hormat... wonder why... then after a while mr kwee came into class, and just sat down and started talking. don't know what we talked about also lah, he kept going "i'm so disappointed in you..." told shu fang that like 5 or 6 times, and told me 2 times :p oh yah he told me that bro paul wants to meet me, simply because of my participation in the parade... !!!!!!!!!! in case u can't tell i'm shocked... coz mr kwee said he wanted to ask me what i was doing in sji npcc and all that stuff. quite weird ah... principal wants to see me :p see how on monday again lah, hopefully he doesn't like call for me during assembly or something, that would be rather horrible. anyway back to the part about mr kwee talking to us, at first i was quite into the conversation, then i left my seat to help wee koon set up his mp3 player into the class media system, then suddenly she joined in the conversation, and it because extremely chinese. so me being very english-ised, just sat at on the teachers table where i could still hear the conversation, but didn't directly take part in it. somehow your presence there also made me feel compelled to stay away... after a while just fell asleep on the teacher's table, lay down and took a nap. actually woke up when my mum called me, asking where i was because i was supposed to be home having chinese tuition :p then i realised that she was gone when i woke up, and the conversation was english again!!!! so obviously i joined in lah :p left class at about 6.30 in the end, was fun talking to mr kwee for so long, my first teacher to be able to sit down and talk with us so well. i'm glad that he's our form teacher. wonder if our form teacher will change next year... hopefully not yeah?

swearing-in tomorrow, and after that got to go to kampong kabor methodist church, somewhere off serangoon road for flag day. damn it got to leave swearing-in early. somehow all my CIPs are clashing with NPCC trainings!!! this is the first one, next one will be on june 5th when i've got UTC!! ARGHHH!!!! clash clash clash... getting irritating!!! somemore only got 4 of us going... damn weird.

monday got volleyball trials, hopefully i can get into the team, because i've got height advantage. just hope that my little known skills are up to the task to get me into the team, because if i REALLY can't get into volleyball, i'll have absolutely no idea where else to go. probably join some slack-shit club just to fulfill my 2nd CCA requirement. but hopefully i can stay in a sports CCA lah, need to keep fit!!! can do 5 pullups in a row now, much better than my 2 from last year july :p must improve somemore, otherwise i'll just die :p Cheers.

i feel better... and completely devasted at the same time...

well clarified the problem at hand today... seems as usual i was thinking too far ahead. well u feel weird i felt weird... hopefully it heals :)

3 hour meeting with the "seniors of the unit"... alot of what i've missed over 4 months of NPDP training has come to light. how did it come to this state i'll never know. but one thing is pretty obvious... something is not working and as a result we're stalling. don't know if you'll have noticed, but people are beginning to lose faith in you... and so now we're forced to take over if we ever want to touch the "stick".

this "incident", i must say, is partly my fault as i might not have passed on information and useful "tips" as well as i could have. must say that i did not do as good a job as i could have, but now i'm quite determined to not let it happen again. once bitten twice shy. for me i have to experience something and then regret it before i really wake up. but as the song you're listening to now goes, sometimes you've only got one shot, and i've got to get used to it. maybe because i like to know what happens at the end before i commit myself to it. typical singaporean lah me, too afraid to take risks...

work and pressure is going to pile on me and my colleagues from now, all the way till november and december when the next batch will HAVE (note: not hopefully) learnt the ways... gentlemen we do this for the future of the unit... For Honour, For Glory, For SJI NPCC. Cheers.

aftermath of the parade...

been getting photo's from quite a number of sources... namely Mr Kwee, Ronald, and soon ta hoong. hopefully he manages to finish scanning soon. going to return uniform to HQ store tomorrow, and looking at the uniform as i fold it up, i think i would want to go back again next year. I learnt alot from this stint at PA, whether it be getting the spelling of a few names correct, or gaining the experience in drilling cadets. But one thing which didn't really improve upon is my people skills. one of my flaws is just not being able to open up. and when you've got juniors who are burning under the hot sun, they tend to need someone to talk to other than their peers. i know i'm supposed to be that person, but i just find it quite difficult... dang it!

don't know what's going on in your head... don't know if i'm supposed to be feeling this way... don't know if i'm supposed to be worrying so much. shall just wait and see. in glenn's words... blend into the background. Cheers.

NPDP 2004...

stepped into PA today at around 12.30. was bloody hot!!! went conference room and slacked in the aircon, then had briefing in the drill shed by firdous. soon after set off for block 26. and it was STILL bloody hot. then went there hung around with my contingent, couldn't find much to do talk to them about. anyway FI took them for sizing up, as i had my own flag problems to deal with. when we reached the parade square at about 2.45, my boots were on fire... ok maybe not boots but my toes which were within the boot. as you see, AP in SJI was done on a grass field, and grass does not radiate as much heat as tarmac... so my toes were getting fried from both directions... the perfect combination for a barbercue. so we had our dry run until like 4.30... sweating like hell we made our way back to block 26. didn't eat anything, just drank a hell lot of water... changed into number 1, and just continued to walk around.

at about 5.30 we began making our way to the parade square for THE moment. when we got to FUP... we were supposed to be allowed to move around and relax, but there were so many parents there that we just couldn't move, because there always seemed to be someone taking pictures in my direction... so the 6 of us (3 flag bearers and 3 escorts) just stood still and didn't move. at least it was not as hot as the dry run was. my screw up during the parade was right before we marched out. somehow my tunic managed to get infront of my flag holder, and so covered the hole... as such my flagpole could not go into the damn hole!!! after the parade when i checked... my pole was directly in line with the hole, just that there was something called a tunic preventing it from going in. up till now i still can't figure out how i managed to do that! :p

met quite a number of my squadmates from D'03... namely cindy, jun jie, raudah, daniel, darren, wendy, asri, chee teing, diana. quite good to see them, but stupid me was walking around with my camera but didn't take pictures with them... :( oh well planning to have a gathering sometime this monthm hopefully it pulls through. oh yeah... and my form teacher Mr Kwee turned up for the parade... so shocking!! i only asked him yesterday night (or 2 nights ago since it's already considered sunday) if he could make it, and he said that he would have to "see how". then he turned up carrying his little boy bag hahaha!! took 2 photos of me and rushed off... but i'm glad he came lah, shows that he bothers about his students! saw quite a few people from area 15 CI comm as usual since Mr Chan our AC is overall in charge of this parade. tomorrow some of them going for kayaking course... luckily i didn't sign up, if not i'd probably fall asleep in the kayak, or maybe even capsize and not know what happened hahahahaha....

after the parade i saw my whole contingent (contingent 6) on the parade square... all very happy and stuff... but never took a picture with them as i did not have my camera with me at that time. was glad to see them in such high spirits after the parade, but sad because being myself i didn't click very well with them. they're a great bunch of people in terms of personality lah... mostly quite open... but me a bit reserved lah, so never open mouth so much. overall it was an enriching experience teaching a bunch of people i've never known, just increasing my confidence in giving drills... so back to unit, and most likely UTC, drills drills drills for me!!!

after parade bummed around in HQ until like 10++, went to far east to eat BK with brendan "jap rocks" tan, ben "any new songs" tay, ian "fat" yap, ming "miao" hao, kah "short" wee, glenn "i got my rank" lim and **ta "I LOVE NY" hoong** hahaha. we'll left at 11.15 as my dad came to fetch me. still got quite a few shots left in my camera, don't know whether i should bring it to class first... or wait to see if the D'03 Echo gathering goes ahead... maybe i'll just wait. intending to return my uniform on tuesday... the buttons and all that. hopefully i don't forget anything... otherwise sure kenna screwed upside down inside out by the store people, their favourite past time you see :p

oh well i've gonna bathe and sleep, gotta wake up at 8.30 tomorrow morning, and i'm still feeling high and sticky... most probably fall asleep in church tomorrow again. oh wait there's sunday school so not so bad already lah hahahaha... Cheers.

7 hours more...

sitting at home now in front of the fan trying to cool down. just finished my lunch, and getting myself psyched up for the parade later. hopefully my classmates and friends can make it, kind of told them the time and stuff, but since they're selling flags later, will see whether they can make it. spent about 1.5 hours last night polishing my boots. managed to get the heel to shine more than before, but the part above the toecap? haiz... nothing to say. damn boots are impossible to shine... some CIs bought PVC boots, some went to beach road to kilat it, but me just used conventional kiwi and cloth. too bad my cadet boots are kind of dusty and a bit small now, if not i'd wear it, basically because it's been polished for 4 years... alot more "experience" on that boots.

never look forward so much to a parade before. the last time i was this excited was during AP last year... but i did not want that parade to end, basically because that would have marked the end of my time in SJI NPCC... at that time i did not know that i would become a CI, but here i am again hahahaha... doing NPDP for the second time, but in a different role only.

last few days haven't exactly been in a very good mood. stuff has been kind of messy... CIP clashing with NPDP today, and secondary 1 affirmation ceremony next week. been sick, now kicked out of badminton... just hasn't been the most exciting of weeks. chose the song you're hearing now because whenever i was feeling really down, i would just plug in my mp3 player... and blast the music. took a nap on the classroom floor yesterday with Linkin Park blasting in my ears, woke up feeling a bit better. this song also basically telling us to seize the opportune moment, something which i haven't been doing for a very very long time... always letting chances float by my head, and never getting it back.

finally getting better... yesterday my phlagm was yellowish, this morning it's actually white!!! WAHAHAHAHA!! was praying that i'd get well, and looks like it worked!!! oh well off to PA now... and probably one of the most exciting parts of my life. Cheers.

what on earth was all that for...

got word from louis that i'm out of the CJ badminton team, basically because jason liew wants to downsize the whole team. so he downsized it from 17 guys to only 10 guys, and i'm out because he sees that i'm in 2 CCAs (the other being NPCC) and he fears that i cannot commit to it. ok fine fair enough... but i've been going to training all the way since january, and i had 2 CCAs at that point of time as well. ok maybe the fact that i'm not that good a player is a factor as well, but then shouldn't they have just told me at the start of the 2nd term? instead of so far into the term when alot of sports CCAs have their places filled up? damn freaking pissed also lah... if they knew that they only needed 10 guys, they didn't have to accept so many in the 1st place rite!?!? should've just let fewer people into the team, and this problem of kicking people out (literally!) wouldn't exist!

oh well was thinking of joining either ODAC or volleyball. but since ODAC training falls on a saturday, no way i can go for that one, so next monday going for volleyball trials, since they announced that trials are still on those who wish to join. but if i REALLY cannot get into volleyball, i really don't know where to go loh... like i said it's damn late in the term so most places are filled up already. pray that i can at least get into volleyball... all i need is a sports CCA.

interesting past few days...

sunday was the day which confirmed that i've grown one year closer to death :p but it was also easter, which confirms that i was able to live one more year because of his sacrifices for all of us. :) anyways after church went out to coca with lunch for my family. still wasn't feeling too well but managed to eat quite alot i guess... felt quite full after that with all the meatballs and wantons :p went home and still felt sick, just slacked around at home that day.

thanks to sgc, shaun, njr, xin, brenz, julia and clarrisa for the presents (wallet, tie... for tai?, shirt, waterbottle), and thanks to lizz for the vouchers, will be buying something soon with them. got some hongbaos too, will see what to do with them.

still wake up with a clogged feeling in my throat, and spitting out phlagm in the morning like nobody's business, but at least it's coming out rite? really REALLY hope i can get better before saturday, so that i can at least fully enjoy it. last time i was this excited about a parade was last year's AP, but it was for a completely different reason. still don't know whether people originally not on the guest list i submitted can go... if can then can invite more people liaoz!!! why tt darren never reply email one?!!?!? haiz it's irritating...

this morning assembly ah... was going down the stairs and kenna bottlenecked at the 4th floor, then when we squeezed into our rows, we discovered we were merged with T20, then suddenly they cleared a pathway for us to walk, so quite a number of us moved forward into our row. then after assembly it was announced that we were last for assembly and we had to stay back to maintanence duty... wth loh. but in the end it was ok, after school rushed to PA to change my tunic, got a 10 instead now because they ran out of 9, then rushed back to school again. joined the people in LT2 to mop the floor. it turned out to be rather fun, we'll cracking jokes to keep ourselves entertained... and just working together to clean the damn LT. after that just hung around in class, talking rubbish with joshua, clarrisa and germaine. drawing weird things on the board and basically getting bullied as usual, got a good clean shoe print on my pants to prove it!

i think i'll do PE tomorrow, reason being i felt better after doing just a bit of PE on monday. must be sweating a bit got some crap out of my system... anywayz tomorrow afternoon no badminton training, so can come home early to kiwi my boots!!! i sound a bit mad lah, so high about kiwi-ing my boots :p, but haven't seriously kiwied my boots for a real real long time... haiz so much in anticipation of this saturday, pray that i get well, and everyone else in class too... we must all get well together!!! hahaha Cheers!

must bad things happen at such bad timing...

last recorded temperature was 38 degrees celcius... can't measure now because i'm eating fruits, which kind off complicates the temperature taking bit don't you think? :p got a sore throat on monday, just took strepsils and biogesic... ad it felt ok on tuesday and wednesday, just woke up with a sore throat. then monday and wednesday had PE, and had training on wednesday too. nowadays i try my best to really whack during training or PE, so maybe i overexerted a bit while i had my sore throat :( what a genius i am!!! :p

xin called me yesterday asking me whether i was free to go out tomorrow (good friday) for birthday celebration, then i said ok as i felt perfectly fine, except for the tickly feeling in my throat. then today WHAM! kenna fever... now cannot go out, mainly cause my mum is kind of making me stay at home. then found out that quite a few people were going as well... not just a small group, so i feel kind of guilty and stupid now. so if you guys are reading this... i'm sorry for any trouble i've given you. just go help guo cheng get a pay rise for bringing so much business to the stall yah?

hopefully i can get well soon enough to go for saturday's flag training. going to get personal flag training... so really don't want to miss out, and my reserve might just get a screwing because he's never done flag drill before. oh well that's life. starting to wonder if being sick just before my birthday is a sign of things to come in the following year... but i doubt so lah, since there's always free will, something that can change the way your life turns out :) Cheers.

the power of the gap...

why must you'll open your mouths and say things which aren't even confirmed??? worst still what you're talking about does not even exist!! simply because a couple of you whom i call friends opened your mouths... make me kenna bad feeling for a couple of days. if i never open my mouth problem might still exist!! at least one of you bothered to clarify things with me, but by then you had already opened your mouth... so a bit too late lah. hopefully what damage you people have done can be solved... Cheers